She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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