I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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