time to smoke my breakfast
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
