So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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