My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
