I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
