ugly people sure do ruin things
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
