Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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