I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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