Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
