My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
