Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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