this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
