my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
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Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.