She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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