Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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