I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
