Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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