Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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