so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
