Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
