Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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