Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
