My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
