I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
