So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
