He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
