; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
