OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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