i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
