So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
