come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
