Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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