I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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