i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
