If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize