When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
