Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
