I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
