just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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