Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
