remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
only if we run a train.
done.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
