Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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