things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
