85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
