my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
