my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
