I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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