dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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