I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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