you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
