Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
