Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
