I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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