the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
