I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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